learning to take a compliment

I went to town the other day, and I was bombarded with people telling me how great I looked. WHAT?!?! That never happens. Well not like the words said to me the other day. "You look like a million bucks!", "I'm gonna take a picture of you from the back, because the backside of you looks great!" (I'll admit, I don't see that view very often, if not never) and "I didn't recognize you, you have lost a lot of weight!" I didn't know what to really say, except Thank You. Which was plenty, but I was certainly not use to going places and having so many people notice what has been going on with my weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED IT!!! It was nice to hear these wonderful words to give me an extra boost towards my goal. I know it will die down after everyone gets use to the new smaller me, but I will enjoy every single compliment I receive until that day comes. :) I went out to my surgeon and received more praise for how well I was doing. Down a total of 85lbs. in his records, but I think he started from a different starting point. My calculations have me down 82lbs, but hey I won't be nit picky!! ;) Driving back home from the appointment, I decided to try and find out the last time I weighed less than 200lbs. Well the hospital in town only has records for me that go back to 1992. I was 15 years old, and my recorded weight at the visit in March 1992 was 222lbs. So that means that I have no idea how old I was when I weighed in over 200lbs. I think it is safe to say that it was probably between the ages of 13-15, so that means I have not seen the 100's since about 1990 or 1991. That is freaking 21-22 YEARS!!!!!! I am going to have a big ol' party when I make it to that number!!!!

Emotional Sabatoge

I am a confessed emotional eater. It gets extremely out of hand when I am feeling sad and depressed. I can shovel food in to my mouth without thought or feeling, all in an effort to numb the pain I am feeling on the inside. So looking back, I guess you can see(by my weight) that I have spent A LOT of time eating away my emotional pain. I have not figured out how to fix this problem, because even now with this surgery, I am still "eating" my problems away. It is all I know how to do. I have never been able to develop the tools to help me to deal with hurtful emotions in any other way. I am stuck! I feel like I cannot turn in any new direction. I try, but only to fail. Then comes the whole new round of painful feelings of how much of a failure I am at everything. See how I am stuck? I have always known that this was a problem, but now that I am surgically altered I am going to really have a hard time coping with my inability to cope. I can still try to EAT my problems away, but I will FAIL at this weight loss. See again, I am stuck! I try to fess up and really lay my thoughts and feelings on the line, only to be slapped in the face with how horrible I am to everyone. So I am not allowed to really speak about the issues, because I will be causing someone else pain. Again, stuck. I AM NOT PERFECT!!!! I DO have FEELINGS, and I MAKE MISTAKES.....ALL THE TIME! I do, however, try to work through them. Which I obviously suck at. I try to admit my faults and try to make amends. I can still use a lot of work here too. I wish someone could just once tell me that it was OK to just be me. Ultimately I am scared that I have spent all this time thinking I mattered to people, who if I stopped putting myself into their life, I would become non-existent to them. I guess it really boils down to....have I ever really mattered to them? Or am I really the boil on the butt of humanity? Are they counting down the seconds to my failure? Am I giving them the ammunition? How can I turn these horrible feelings into something positive? How can I continue to love people who have nothing but hate for me? Will it really matter next week? How long can I lie to myself, that what I do can make the changes needed to make things better? Food was my friend. Food was nice to me, never told me I was unwanted. Never told me I was around at the wrong time. Food knew my deepest darkest secrets, and still wanted to be around me. See my sick obsession? I can twist all this in my mind to make it all make sense in my own little world. See how easy it is for me to justify my behavior to suit my need. I hate myself for allowing things to get myself worked up to such a state, but I am an addict and a professional liar to myself. I can make a mountain out of a mole hill in seconds flat, as you can all see by this post. I guess I am a long way from being "fixed" and there are never any guarantees in life.

Can you say SURGIVERSARY?? ;)

4 months out of surgery, and things are getting better every step of the way. I have lost 77lbs! I started out in a size 26/28 and was worried about growing out of that size. (YIKES) I am now in a size 22, which is getting to loose. I can fit into a size XXL(20) shirt from Old Navy. It has been kinda weird to see where the weight is being lost on my body. Some places are losing it better than others, but I am not going to get too picky about the losses just yet. So this brings me to the dreaded part of the journey....yep you guessed it, the saggy baggy skin syndrome. It is pretty frightening, but totally worth being able to walk, tie my shoes, see my toes, bend over and touch the ground. I will love my extra skin buddy for all the added health benefits I am getting to FINALLY enjoy! So my goal is to get to 159 lbs. and I am getting closer every day. :) I cannot even imagine myself at 200lbs. because I have not been at this size since I was in 9-10th grade!! But trust me, I will be screaming it from the rooftops when I hit that goal! 76 lbs. to go to my goal! I am HALF way there!!! :)

What's that you say???

I have been through a lot when it comes to being sick. Diabetes sucks!!! I found out that I had it when I was 20 years old. I have been to numerous doctors for my Diabetes, which then lead to other health problems....such as PCOS, High Blood Pressure, Bad Cholesterol, Sleep Apnea, Back Problems. OK, so maybe it had nothing to do completely with Diabetes, but rather my weight problem. ;) Look at me still in denial that I had a weight problem. Since having this surgery I have blogged about how I have hated the decision I made. How hard it has been to change a lifetime of bad eating habits and choices. How I have been angry and pissed off at the world. How it has begun to change and not be so bad. Well this particular blog entry is about all the good news I have been receiving from the doctors. What?!?! GOOD NEWS?!?!? Yep, I have become very pessimistic about hearing from doctors, because usually they are telling me bad news. I have never gotten news where I have had to say, "Are you serious?" and it be for a very good reason. If any of you are familiar with Diabetes the evil medical world came up with a test to tell if you were cheating and not taking care of your Diabetes like you are suppose to. I HATE that test!! It's called a Hemoglobin A1C. My A1C has been generally around the 9-10 mark(which is bad). The only times I ever had it in the normal range was during my pregnancies. The last A1C was 11.something.....which is really bad. So when they called and told me my A1C was 6.8, I said, "Are you serious???" That was with NO MEDICATIONS!!!!!! None, because I have been bad about taking it all. WOO HOO!!!! Finally, feeling like this is really going to help my Diabetes. I will always be a Diabetic, just I will be able to move to the type where I can control mine with diet and exercise. So, just to let anyone who doesn't know what that means....anything under 7.0 is considered normal. I'm just barely "normal", so I need to take a pill to bring it down a little more. I'm fine with that!! My cholesterol is good. I am sleeping better. Blood Pressure is normal. I am feeling great! It's close to my 4 month update, so I am saving my weight til then! Gotta give you something to look forward to! ;)

Update, Update....Read all about it...

Ok....I am doing my 3 month update early, because I will probably forget to do it on the 5th. ;) I am doing better, feeling better, and getting skinnier. I have been thinking about things lately and thought I'd share a bit of back story with you all. :) I know, just what you wanted to hear, huh!! ;) In 2001, I maxed my weight out at 300lbs. At that point that was the heaviest I had ever been in my life. I have been over 200lbs. since 10th grade, but I really got crazy toward the end of my first marriage. Imagine that. ;) (depression and a bad marriage can have that affect on you!) When I decided to dump the loser and figured out that there are WAY better fish out in the sea, I dropped 80lbs in about 5-6 months. Yay me. I managed that weight for about 3-4 years, including a 60 lb. gain during my pregnancy with Wes which I lost all of it after I had him. My max weight was in 2008, when I weighed in at 357lbs(yikes) right after my delivery of Ryann. She even weighed 10lbs, but I was huge with her from all the medications I was on. After I had her, I managed to lose 127lbs. the year and a half after she was born. I was maintaining at about 235-240, until last May. I got back on all my meds and started gaining like crazy. Which brings you to this story. I started this time at 312lbs. and today I am at 248! Yep, I said it 248!!! 64 lbs BABY!!!!! I know, I know. I think to myself....so what. Look at how many times you have yo-yo'd 100lbs. before! In the past ten years I have lost my whole current body weight!!!! Actually a little more....251lbs. lost and found in a vicious cycle of medications and I won't lie overeating. I am still unable to really believe that this time will be different, but I am getting better at positive thinking and realizing that things are much different than previous times. I am actually feeling better, my physical self is responding to the changes in my body that are happening because I am not overstuffing myself with horrible foods anymore. I can't wait to tell you when I have broken my barrier of 200lbs and I start watching the scale move down to weights I have never seen before.

Dec 2011

Dec 2011

Can you tell a difference? I can. :)

Settling into my new way of thinking

At the beginning of this journey I was more than a little vocal about how unhappy I was with starting down this path of weight loss. Well, as I had predicted, I managed to make it through and change my mind. I was going through a rough period of adjustment, but I made it out the other side...alive! ;) My weight loss has slowed, but it is still coming down. I have been able to figure out when my tummy has had enough, so I don't get sick like I did a few times when I tried to push it. Life is settling down...although I have now become obsessed with sewing! I think I have replaced my stress eating with sewing! I'll post pics next time to mark my 3 month surgiversary. I am at 250 and I am really starting to feel better. When I have lost massive amounts of weight before I never felt better. Mainly because I was still having high blood sugars(300-380). So I would always be feeling the effects of my diabetes. My blood sugars are hovering around 170-200 so this time I am feeling better. Yay!

Once a Cheater....Always a Cheater! :(

Yep...that is how the old saying goes, right?? Well I have been cheating and I can tell that it has slowed my weight loss down. I have been doing great, but I just love me some little crackers and a couple of chips every once in a while. OK who am I kidding?? I have been including them into my everyday routine. So now I have gone from losing tons to only losing 4 lbs. in the past 2 weeks. I guess I had better just stick strictly to yogurt and soup for a while. I had my two month check-up with Dr. M and he said I was doing great. Of course I didn't tattle on myself about being bad....duh!! I learned not to do that at an early age in life...why stop now??? I am still struggling to get my 64+ oz. of water a day...so on the way home from SLC last night I would count 20 road reflectors and then take a drink....pathetic huh? I had to pee real bad by the time we got home, and I refuse to use the facilities at the rest stop in the middle of nowhere before Duchesne for the simple purpose that I have watched WAY too many CSI, NCIS, and Criminal Minds episodes to no better than to stop in the middle of nowhere. :) I guess my thoughts are that I will try to do better this next little while to see if I can gain some better improvement. Total weight loss is at 54lbs in 10 weeks. I'll take it. I have had many people give wonderful compliments about the change they see, which makes me feel good. I have personally noticed my neck getting thinner...LOL I want more to come off around the middle. Ugh...I am never satisfied. :) I guess it must be easier fat to burn. Just my luck....I'll have a skinny face and neck, but still look like an apple. :)