Post op and pregnancy

Since I have found out that I am pregnant way earlier than I should have been after having surgery (they say to wait 18 months) I have been doing pretty good. Concerns in the beginning were things such as keeping my food down and getting enough calorie intake to support the growing baby. I haven't had too many problems with vomiting since having the surgery, the only time it happens is when I eat too fast(not chewing my food) and eat too much. The baby is growing fine and so far the Doctors are happy with how I am doing. I weighed 220 when I found out I was expecting and I have gained about 2-4 lbs so far.....amazing to me! My previous pregnancies I gained anywhere from 60-70lbs.....yikes! We are excited to learn if the baby will be a boy or a girl...and I am anxious to get to the end and see if I have another big baby or if Ryann was a fluke because of all the medication I was taking! ;) Ryann weighed in at 10lbs 3oz....but my Wes was only 6lbs. I am praying that the saying each baby you have gets bigger is NOT true.....heaven help me if I have a bigger baby! Sadly I realized that when I go out to the doctor for my one year surgiversary I will be 8 months pregnant.....I don't think my before and after pics will be all that great! ;) Maybe I can have him wait to do the before and after until after I have the baby....like 6 months after! LOL

 Here is peanut....growing like crazy. :)

I'm LATE!!!!! (In more ways than one!)

OK.....I didn't get to my monthly post last month because I hadn't figured out how to make my BIG announcement. I found out that I was pregnant and so I was nervous about what was going to happen and how this surgery was going to affect the pregnancy. I hit my 5 month surgiversary and bam.....well lets just reiterate this surgery DOES affect your fertility!!!!!!! At least it really affected mine! ;) I made it to 220lbs. and now I have stayed there for about two months. I have had to go back onto my insulin, because growing a baby means I have to be really well controlled with my blood sugars. I have not had to take even close to the amounts that I use to take with my other pregnancies. So far this has been less intense than having my other kids so far. I am considered high risk for my age, my diabetes and for having this surgery not so long ago, but I haven't had to see so many different specialist this time. Sometime around the middle to end of January we will be getting a new little person to add to the chaos of our family. We are excited and about all I am praying for right now is for this baby to have stick straight hair!!!!!! ;) The OB doctor said that I might continue to lose weight but towards the end of the pregnancy I could gain. I just know I won't be gaining the standard 60 lbs. I gained with my other two. So far I have gained about 3-4 lbs. and I can live with that.

LATE, but GREAT update! ;)



When I was downloading the pics...I didn't know who this was, it took me a second to figure out that was me from behind!!

My son was taking pictures of us....sorry it is blurry :)

My family in Uintah canyon May 6, 2012

Sorry....I'm late getting to this update, but I got a very part-time job, and it is throwing my schedule into chaos. Everyone knows how much I ♥ chaos! ;) I feel like my life is getting more and more crazy, but in a good kind of way. I have TONS of energy and really feel great being able to run around and just be able to not have to worry so much about my weight and how it affected everything I did. I don't have to freak out about booths at restaurants or getting on a ride at the zoo. I can easily slid into and out of places that I once use to pass up because I didn't want to embarrass myself with the whole spectacle of doing something. I ♥ ♥ ♥ it! I love how everyone is really starting to notice, especially since I am getting down further than I ever have before. It is a whole new me, and only in 5, YES 5 MONTHS! I am down to only pills for my Diabetes. I couldn't be more happy about that! Soon, the doc thinks I can completely stop ALL medication. What will that be like??? I haven't been without medication since I was 20 years old! How would it be? I cannot even tell you how much of a burden would be lifted. Life is changing by leaps and bounds and I don't know how it will all play out, but I can tell you that just my health alone has made this complicated journey so worth it! I actually went up to the mountains and hiked around and sat by the fire. I was able to laugh and enjoy the time there. I didn't have to wonder if the chair would hold me up. It was wonderful! OK, OK so I know that after all that jargon you really just want all the stats!! ;) Thank God I am smart enough to at least put the good stuff at the bottom, so MAYBE you guys will read all the rest! LOL My weight today is: 225lb. I have lost 87lbs. in 5 months. I have 66lbs. to my goal. I am down to size 18 pants! WOW! That has been a long long time since I have been in that size. I have a lap that my daughter can sit on now. I can cross my legs. The seat belt is fitting better and more comfortably. I can turn my head to see behind me....especially in a car that is a HUGE plus!! ;) I can stand for a 12 hour shift and not think it is the end of the world. Life is getting better and better. I am thankful that I did this....was is scary ? HELL yes it was scary, but it has been the BEST thing I could have ever done. Has it sucked? YES! I won't ever lie that this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done....even harder than quitting meth or smoking!! FOOD is EVERYWHERE, and our lifestyle has linked food to everything we do!! You can never avoid the temptation, but this surgery has helped me as a tool to put my overeating into check. Do I still screw up? All the time, but I know that I can make better choices and move forward. With every victorious pound lost I cannot deny that I love those feelings more than the loss of being able to shove an oversized hamburger into my face. It was hard to give it up at first, I was so use to using food to basically make up for everything else. Now I use food more correctly....as fuel to move this body. I love that I am full after very little and I can do so many other things now that the extra weight is not literally weighing me down! I just pray everyday that I can continue to use the lessons taught to me through this whole process.

learning to take a compliment

I went to town the other day, and I was bombarded with people telling me how great I looked. WHAT?!?! That never happens. Well not like the words said to me the other day. "You look like a million bucks!", "I'm gonna take a picture of you from the back, because the backside of you looks great!" (I'll admit, I don't see that view very often, if not never) and "I didn't recognize you, you have lost a lot of weight!" I didn't know what to really say, except Thank You. Which was plenty, but I was certainly not use to going places and having so many people notice what has been going on with my weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED IT!!! It was nice to hear these wonderful words to give me an extra boost towards my goal. I know it will die down after everyone gets use to the new smaller me, but I will enjoy every single compliment I receive until that day comes. :) I went out to my surgeon and received more praise for how well I was doing. Down a total of 85lbs. in his records, but I think he started from a different starting point. My calculations have me down 82lbs, but hey I won't be nit picky!! ;) Driving back home from the appointment, I decided to try and find out the last time I weighed less than 200lbs. Well the hospital in town only has records for me that go back to 1992. I was 15 years old, and my recorded weight at the visit in March 1992 was 222lbs. So that means that I have no idea how old I was when I weighed in over 200lbs. I think it is safe to say that it was probably between the ages of 13-15, so that means I have not seen the 100's since about 1990 or 1991. That is freaking 21-22 YEARS!!!!!! I am going to have a big ol' party when I make it to that number!!!!

Emotional Sabatoge

I am a confessed emotional eater. It gets extremely out of hand when I am feeling sad and depressed. I can shovel food in to my mouth without thought or feeling, all in an effort to numb the pain I am feeling on the inside. So looking back, I guess you can see(by my weight) that I have spent A LOT of time eating away my emotional pain. I have not figured out how to fix this problem, because even now with this surgery, I am still "eating" my problems away. It is all I know how to do. I have never been able to develop the tools to help me to deal with hurtful emotions in any other way. I am stuck! I feel like I cannot turn in any new direction. I try, but only to fail. Then comes the whole new round of painful feelings of how much of a failure I am at everything. See how I am stuck? I have always known that this was a problem, but now that I am surgically altered I am going to really have a hard time coping with my inability to cope. I can still try to EAT my problems away, but I will FAIL at this weight loss. See again, I am stuck! I try to fess up and really lay my thoughts and feelings on the line, only to be slapped in the face with how horrible I am to everyone. So I am not allowed to really speak about the issues, because I will be causing someone else pain. Again, stuck. I AM NOT PERFECT!!!! I DO have FEELINGS, and I MAKE MISTAKES.....ALL THE TIME! I do, however, try to work through them. Which I obviously suck at. I try to admit my faults and try to make amends. I can still use a lot of work here too. I wish someone could just once tell me that it was OK to just be me. Ultimately I am scared that I have spent all this time thinking I mattered to people, who if I stopped putting myself into their life, I would become non-existent to them. I guess it really boils down to....have I ever really mattered to them? Or am I really the boil on the butt of humanity? Are they counting down the seconds to my failure? Am I giving them the ammunition? How can I turn these horrible feelings into something positive? How can I continue to love people who have nothing but hate for me? Will it really matter next week? How long can I lie to myself, that what I do can make the changes needed to make things better? Food was my friend. Food was nice to me, never told me I was unwanted. Never told me I was around at the wrong time. Food knew my deepest darkest secrets, and still wanted to be around me. See my sick obsession? I can twist all this in my mind to make it all make sense in my own little world. See how easy it is for me to justify my behavior to suit my need. I hate myself for allowing things to get myself worked up to such a state, but I am an addict and a professional liar to myself. I can make a mountain out of a mole hill in seconds flat, as you can all see by this post. I guess I am a long way from being "fixed" and there are never any guarantees in life.

Can you say SURGIVERSARY?? ;)

4 months out of surgery, and things are getting better every step of the way. I have lost 77lbs! I started out in a size 26/28 and was worried about growing out of that size. (YIKES) I am now in a size 22, which is getting to loose. I can fit into a size XXL(20) shirt from Old Navy. It has been kinda weird to see where the weight is being lost on my body. Some places are losing it better than others, but I am not going to get too picky about the losses just yet. So this brings me to the dreaded part of the journey....yep you guessed it, the saggy baggy skin syndrome. It is pretty frightening, but totally worth being able to walk, tie my shoes, see my toes, bend over and touch the ground. I will love my extra skin buddy for all the added health benefits I am getting to FINALLY enjoy! So my goal is to get to 159 lbs. and I am getting closer every day. :) I cannot even imagine myself at 200lbs. because I have not been at this size since I was in 9-10th grade!! But trust me, I will be screaming it from the rooftops when I hit that goal! 76 lbs. to go to my goal! I am HALF way there!!! :)

What's that you say???

I have been through a lot when it comes to being sick. Diabetes sucks!!! I found out that I had it when I was 20 years old. I have been to numerous doctors for my Diabetes, which then lead to other health problems....such as PCOS, High Blood Pressure, Bad Cholesterol, Sleep Apnea, Back Problems. OK, so maybe it had nothing to do completely with Diabetes, but rather my weight problem. ;) Look at me still in denial that I had a weight problem. Since having this surgery I have blogged about how I have hated the decision I made. How hard it has been to change a lifetime of bad eating habits and choices. How I have been angry and pissed off at the world. How it has begun to change and not be so bad. Well this particular blog entry is about all the good news I have been receiving from the doctors. What?!?! GOOD NEWS?!?!? Yep, I have become very pessimistic about hearing from doctors, because usually they are telling me bad news. I have never gotten news where I have had to say, "Are you serious?" and it be for a very good reason. If any of you are familiar with Diabetes the evil medical world came up with a test to tell if you were cheating and not taking care of your Diabetes like you are suppose to. I HATE that test!! It's called a Hemoglobin A1C. My A1C has been generally around the 9-10 mark(which is bad). The only times I ever had it in the normal range was during my pregnancies. The last A1C was 11.something.....which is really bad. So when they called and told me my A1C was 6.8, I said, "Are you serious???" That was with NO MEDICATIONS!!!!!! None, because I have been bad about taking it all. WOO HOO!!!! Finally, feeling like this is really going to help my Diabetes. I will always be a Diabetic, just I will be able to move to the type where I can control mine with diet and exercise. So, just to let anyone who doesn't know what that means....anything under 7.0 is considered normal. I'm just barely "normal", so I need to take a pill to bring it down a little more. I'm fine with that!! My cholesterol is good. I am sleeping better. Blood Pressure is normal. I am feeling great! It's close to my 4 month update, so I am saving my weight til then! Gotta give you something to look forward to! ;)