Emotional Sabatoge

I am a confessed emotional eater. It gets extremely out of hand when I am feeling sad and depressed. I can shovel food in to my mouth without thought or feeling, all in an effort to numb the pain I am feeling on the inside. So looking back, I guess you can see(by my weight) that I have spent A LOT of time eating away my emotional pain. I have not figured out how to fix this problem, because even now with this surgery, I am still "eating" my problems away. It is all I know how to do. I have never been able to develop the tools to help me to deal with hurtful emotions in any other way. I am stuck! I feel like I cannot turn in any new direction. I try, but only to fail. Then comes the whole new round of painful feelings of how much of a failure I am at everything. See how I am stuck? I have always known that this was a problem, but now that I am surgically altered I am going to really have a hard time coping with my inability to cope. I can still try to EAT my problems away, but I will FAIL at this weight loss. See again, I am stuck! I try to fess up and really lay my thoughts and feelings on the line, only to be slapped in the face with how horrible I am to everyone. So I am not allowed to really speak about the issues, because I will be causing someone else pain. Again, stuck. I AM NOT PERFECT!!!! I DO have FEELINGS, and I MAKE MISTAKES.....ALL THE TIME! I do, however, try to work through them. Which I obviously suck at. I try to admit my faults and try to make amends. I can still use a lot of work here too. I wish someone could just once tell me that it was OK to just be me. Ultimately I am scared that I have spent all this time thinking I mattered to people, who if I stopped putting myself into their life, I would become non-existent to them. I guess it really boils down to....have I ever really mattered to them? Or am I really the boil on the butt of humanity? Are they counting down the seconds to my failure? Am I giving them the ammunition? How can I turn these horrible feelings into something positive? How can I continue to love people who have nothing but hate for me? Will it really matter next week? How long can I lie to myself, that what I do can make the changes needed to make things better? Food was my friend. Food was nice to me, never told me I was unwanted. Never told me I was around at the wrong time. Food knew my deepest darkest secrets, and still wanted to be around me. See my sick obsession? I can twist all this in my mind to make it all make sense in my own little world. See how easy it is for me to justify my behavior to suit my need. I hate myself for allowing things to get myself worked up to such a state, but I am an addict and a professional liar to myself. I can make a mountain out of a mole hill in seconds flat, as you can all see by this post. I guess I am a long way from being "fixed" and there are never any guarantees in life.