learning to take a compliment

I went to town the other day, and I was bombarded with people telling me how great I looked. WHAT?!?! That never happens. Well not like the words said to me the other day. "You look like a million bucks!", "I'm gonna take a picture of you from the back, because the backside of you looks great!" (I'll admit, I don't see that view very often, if not never) and "I didn't recognize you, you have lost a lot of weight!" I didn't know what to really say, except Thank You. Which was plenty, but I was certainly not use to going places and having so many people notice what has been going on with my weight loss. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED IT!!! It was nice to hear these wonderful words to give me an extra boost towards my goal. I know it will die down after everyone gets use to the new smaller me, but I will enjoy every single compliment I receive until that day comes. :) I went out to my surgeon and received more praise for how well I was doing. Down a total of 85lbs. in his records, but I think he started from a different starting point. My calculations have me down 82lbs, but hey I won't be nit picky!! ;) Driving back home from the appointment, I decided to try and find out the last time I weighed less than 200lbs. Well the hospital in town only has records for me that go back to 1992. I was 15 years old, and my recorded weight at the visit in March 1992 was 222lbs. So that means that I have no idea how old I was when I weighed in over 200lbs. I think it is safe to say that it was probably between the ages of 13-15, so that means I have not seen the 100's since about 1990 or 1991. That is freaking 21-22 YEARS!!!!!! I am going to have a big ol' party when I make it to that number!!!!

Emotional Sabatoge

I am a confessed emotional eater. It gets extremely out of hand when I am feeling sad and depressed. I can shovel food in to my mouth without thought or feeling, all in an effort to numb the pain I am feeling on the inside. So looking back, I guess you can see(by my weight) that I have spent A LOT of time eating away my emotional pain. I have not figured out how to fix this problem, because even now with this surgery, I am still "eating" my problems away. It is all I know how to do. I have never been able to develop the tools to help me to deal with hurtful emotions in any other way. I am stuck! I feel like I cannot turn in any new direction. I try, but only to fail. Then comes the whole new round of painful feelings of how much of a failure I am at everything. See how I am stuck? I have always known that this was a problem, but now that I am surgically altered I am going to really have a hard time coping with my inability to cope. I can still try to EAT my problems away, but I will FAIL at this weight loss. See again, I am stuck! I try to fess up and really lay my thoughts and feelings on the line, only to be slapped in the face with how horrible I am to everyone. So I am not allowed to really speak about the issues, because I will be causing someone else pain. Again, stuck. I AM NOT PERFECT!!!! I DO have FEELINGS, and I MAKE MISTAKES.....ALL THE TIME! I do, however, try to work through them. Which I obviously suck at. I try to admit my faults and try to make amends. I can still use a lot of work here too. I wish someone could just once tell me that it was OK to just be me. Ultimately I am scared that I have spent all this time thinking I mattered to people, who if I stopped putting myself into their life, I would become non-existent to them. I guess it really boils down to....have I ever really mattered to them? Or am I really the boil on the butt of humanity? Are they counting down the seconds to my failure? Am I giving them the ammunition? How can I turn these horrible feelings into something positive? How can I continue to love people who have nothing but hate for me? Will it really matter next week? How long can I lie to myself, that what I do can make the changes needed to make things better? Food was my friend. Food was nice to me, never told me I was unwanted. Never told me I was around at the wrong time. Food knew my deepest darkest secrets, and still wanted to be around me. See my sick obsession? I can twist all this in my mind to make it all make sense in my own little world. See how easy it is for me to justify my behavior to suit my need. I hate myself for allowing things to get myself worked up to such a state, but I am an addict and a professional liar to myself. I can make a mountain out of a mole hill in seconds flat, as you can all see by this post. I guess I am a long way from being "fixed" and there are never any guarantees in life.

Can you say SURGIVERSARY?? ;)

4 months out of surgery, and things are getting better every step of the way. I have lost 77lbs! I started out in a size 26/28 and was worried about growing out of that size. (YIKES) I am now in a size 22, which is getting to loose. I can fit into a size XXL(20) shirt from Old Navy. It has been kinda weird to see where the weight is being lost on my body. Some places are losing it better than others, but I am not going to get too picky about the losses just yet. So this brings me to the dreaded part of the journey....yep you guessed it, the saggy baggy skin syndrome. It is pretty frightening, but totally worth being able to walk, tie my shoes, see my toes, bend over and touch the ground. I will love my extra skin buddy for all the added health benefits I am getting to FINALLY enjoy! So my goal is to get to 159 lbs. and I am getting closer every day. :) I cannot even imagine myself at 200lbs. because I have not been at this size since I was in 9-10th grade!! But trust me, I will be screaming it from the rooftops when I hit that goal! 76 lbs. to go to my goal! I am HALF way there!!! :)